Have you ever been able to turn on a light switch with your butt? I can, and do often. Not on purpose, of course, but accidentally when bending over to put dirty laundry into my front-load machine. The laundry room is small and often my butt will hit the opposite wall and turn the light on, or the fan switch next to it.

It's when that happens (at least several times a week) that I am reminded I am fat. I don't need reminders, really. When you're this big, you are aware each time you get dressed, see your reflection in the car or a window, or feel left out by people too important to pay attention your obese self.

But it reminds me how fat I have gotten and I wonder if I can ever crawl out of this hole. This is a big hole, one that often shows me no daylight. It's very lonely in here, and sometimes hopeless.
I recently returned from a trip to Hawaii. I spent hundreds of dollars on clothes just to make me feel like I might fit in. I posted a message on a weight loss message board asking for suggestions for bathing suits. One person opined that while there would be a lot of hard bodies there, I would also find many people "just like" me.

I don't know where that poster stayed on her last trip to Hawaii, but where I stayed, it was all hard bodies. I think perhaps of the dozens of women I saw at the pool each day, there were 2 or 3 that even wore one pieces. It was bikini central. What did I wear? A plain black tank suit from Lands End and a pair of Eddie Bauer water shorts, with a nice, 9" inseam. Since I hadn't worn a swimsuit since I was 18, I was proud of myself for putting myself out there and getting into the water. Once in the water, though, I wouldn't get out until I had to. I felt like all eyes were on me.

So what is my situation? I am 5'7" (I think) and about 260 pounds. I haven't weighed since I got back home and I may have lost weight, though I think it's more likely I gained or remained steady.

Why this blog? I am a writer by nature and profession and I believe strongly in the cathartic nature of "getting it all out". I intend to take readers on a ride with me. At this time I don't plan to join a weight loss program, but rather try to eat right and (most important) MOVE. I might fail -- I certainly have many times before. I might then join a weight loss program. Maybe I'll opt to have surgery. I will do whatever I have to do to get healthy and to live past the age of 50. My kids really adore me and I owe it to them to be the mom they deserve.